The Lard of the Rings: The Couple a' Towers
by Grant A Kress
Summary: Because Lord of the Rings is so amazing, me and my friend, Kai had to make fun of it. Here's what we came up with... for the second one...
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The Taming of Slalom

The Minty Mountains rose up from the pass of Cataracts. An eagle flew between. A small cry was heard, "You cannot pass!" Another voice was heard slightly, "Spandalf!There was a monstrous roar followed by the first voice again. "I am the 'servant of the Secret Fire', 'wielder of the Flame of Anor'…""What?" a voice whispered."This dark fire will not avail you…"

"Flame of Udûn!" Spandalf yelled, standing on the bridge of Cuzi'mdumb, staring down the EggrollThe Eggroll roared, spewing a nasty burnt peanut smell into the air. He took a step onto the bridge. Spandalf clenched his teeth, "Go home!"The Eggroll took another step.Spandalf drove his stick into the bridge as he yelled, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"The Eggroll took out a big, big sword and long flaming bungee cord and took another step, but the bridge broke under him, causing him to fall to his falling death. "Yeah, that's right!" Spandalf yelled at the Eggroll as it fell.The bungee cord flew back up and grabbed Spandalf by the leg."Uh-oh." Spandalf said as it pulled him down. He caught himself by his fingertips on a rock."SPANDALF!" Lardo yelled and tried to run out and grab him.Peppercorn stopped him. "No, let's watch.""You're sick! You know that?" Lardo yelled at Peppercorn.Lardo turned back to Spandalf. Spandalf opened his mouth and said two words, "HELP ME!"Lardo tried to fight Peppercorn's grip, but failed.Spandalf looked at them again and blew hair out of his face, "Fine, then! Fly, idiots!""Can do." Hal's voice resounded from the caves.

Lardo sat upright, awoken from a horrible dream. "Hal!" he was sweating profusely. "…And Spandalf!" he added after a short thought."What the crap's the matter, Mister Lardo?" Spam, Lardo's friend and longtime 'gardener' called from a stones throw away."Don't call me mister!" Lardo yelled. "It was just another dream!"

Spam and Lardo were sitting in a rocky crag. "What's to eat, Spam?""No, not tonight," Lardo replied.There was a short time for the reader to catch up."What food do we have left?" Lardo asked."Lemme see." Spam opened Lardo's pack because he couldn't reach it on his own and he wore it on both arms so he looked weird and was pretty much incompitent. "Oh, lovely. Wonder bread. And look!" Spam pulled out a few loaves of Wonder bread from the Elves in Gothlorien, "MORE Wonder bread."Lardo sighed. "Oh, if only Saladriel would have given us a toaster." Spam patted Lardo on the shoulder. "It's ok. I mean, it's not that bad."Lardo looked at Spam. "That's the shoulder I got stabbed in."Spam quickly drew his hand away.

Spam and Lardo walked along for a while. Spam perked up his nose. "Oh man! Do you smell that?!"Lardo looked down at his feet, sheepishly."I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby."Lardo looked up quickly, pale faced. "Yep!" he said quickly. "Nasty bog! That's what it is! A nasty bog!"Spam looked around cautiously.Lardo turned to him and gave him a knowing look. "We're not alone…" he said menacingly.Spam reached into his pouch. "Should I use my rope?"

An icky creature crawled along the tops of crags above where the Blobbits were sleeping for the night. "Those fat jerks!" he said in his icky voice. "They robbed us! We hate them! They took from us what was ours! We hate them!" The icky creature crawled down and reached towards the Doughnut in Lardo's pants. "We oughta sue their stinking little-"Spam sat upright and grabbed the icky creature by an arm.Lardo sat up and grabbed the other arm and the two mean Blobbits threw the guy who they had no idea why he was there to the ground. Lardo took it a step further as he took out his sword and slammed the icky creature up to a stone wall, holding his sword to his throat. "This is Sting!" Lardo said, nodded towards the sword in his hand."That's a dumb name." the icky creature said. Lardo wavered the sword in his grip. "You've seen it before, haven't you –Slalom?"Slalom cringed and made an icky noise. "Stop freakin' us out, ok?"

Sun baked the stones of the pass that the now three travelers were taking. "AH!!!!" shouted Slalom. "THE SUN HURTS SO MUCH! WE HAVE VERY SENSITIVE SKIN! COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE STOPPED TO BUY SOME SUNSCREEN?!""Shut up, you!" Spam said, hoisting a noose he had made with his elven rope in the air. The other end was tied around Slalom's neck, for 'other purposes' Spam had said. Slalom looked at his beat red skin, burnt by the sun. He slapped it hard. "AHHH!!!""It's hopeless!" Spam shouted. "He's annoying _and_ dumb! Let's just hang him up and leave him. And my rope!""No!" Slalom shouted. "We'll shut up! We will! _Slalom! __Slalom!"_Spam and Lardo looked weirdly at Slalom, "What the heck was that?!""What was what, Num nums? _Slalom! __Slalom!_""That!" Spam yelled. "You just coughed and said your name, as if you were trying to say it under your breath but failed terribly.""Oh, that. _Slalom! Slalom!_ It's sort of a long story. I sometimes I forget I do it."They looked at him weird again and Spam yanked the rope cuz he's mean. Slalom fell over because the rope was tied to his neck."What the heck?! That hurt! _Slalom!_ Take it off us, and we'll be nice! We swear!""Yeah, ok." Lardo said as he went over to Slalom to take off the rope. When he was a foot away Spam yanked the rope again and pulled Slalom out of Lardo's reach. "Hey!""I don't thin we should trust him, Lardo." Spam said in defense."Well, tough. I'm the Ring-Bearer, so you gotta do what I want.""Don't you mean Doughnut bearer?""Right, what did I say?" But Lardo didn't wait around for an answer and he looked into Slalom's eyes. "You know the way to That land of tastebudless people?""Meh, we've been there three four times." Slalom said, ickily. Lardo took the rope off from around his neck. "You will lead us to the Black Guy.""The Black Guy?" Slalom asked."Yeah. The Black Guy is the gate keeper. He's cool!"Slalom nodded and ran off faster than Lardo and Spam could keep up. Spam punched Lardo in the back. "See? Told you!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The Uruk Pies

The Uruk-Pies were marching, giving Hairy and Pimple piggy back rides. Pimple leaned over to Hairy who seemed to be unconcious some how. He also had a very fashionable head wound. "Hairy!" No response. "Hairy?" Some Porks, clearly from That land of tastebudless people joined the throng of Uruk-Pies. One of the Uruk-Pies, named Ugly, stopped and held his hand up for everyone else to do the same. He sniffed the air. Another Uruk-Pie, Mauer, came up to his side. "What is it? What do you smell?"Ugly turned to Mauer and smiled. "Man-Flesh!"The Uruks started chanting, "Man-Flesh! Man-Flesh!"The Porks looked at them strangely. "Inside joke." Mauer explained."Peppercorn." Pimple said softly, almost to himself. "They've picked up our trail!" Mauer yelled.Ugly growled."Let's move!" Mauer shouted as the Uruks and Porks ran through the little valley. Pimple tapped his chin to the Uruk-Pie's shoulder who was carrying him. "Excuse me. Would you happen to have a hammer, or something?"The Uruk-Pie pulled out a hammer and gave it to Pimple. Pimple put the claws of the hammer around the head of the Elven nail in his shoulder that was used to hold on his cloak. He pushed down the handle and pulled the nail out. He then proceded to scream bloody murder as he dropped it on the ground and returned the hammer to the Uruk. "Thanks, bud!" Pimple said. An Uruk trampled on the nail and shouted out in pain.

Peppercorn was lying down with his ear pressed to the ground. Eggolas and Hefty were a few feet behind him. He hadn't moved for a couple minutes. "What do you think happened?" Eggolas asked Hefty. "I think he's dead."Peppercorn quickly stood up. "Hurry! They're running now!"The three ran down into a valley and Peppercorn ran ahead. He stopped suddenly, grabbed his foot and fell over, howeling. "OH GOSH! IT'S IN DEEP!"Eggolas dropped down to his knees. "What is it? What happened?""IT FEELS LIKE I STEPPED ON A GIANT, GIANT NAIL!"Eggolas looked down at Peppercorn's foot and quickly turned away. "You did." He pulled it out with one of Hefty's hammers that he had stolen. Peppercorn screamed and grabbed the nail. "Whoa! It's got Pimple's DNA on it!""How can you tell?" Hefty asked once he caught up."It's labled." Peppercorn flicked the label. "Not idly do the nails of Gothlorien come loose. They may still be alive."Hefty chimed in, "Or, the Uruks ate them and threw that part out.""He's right." Eggolas pointed out. "That's always a possibility!""Think positive guys." Peppercorn said. "Hal didn't think positive, and now look what happened to him! He's dead!""He was the most positive guy I've ever met!" Eggolas yelled."Me too!" Hefty said. "Oh, kill yourselves…" Peppercorn mumbled under his breath.

Hefty rolled down a hill, trying to follow Eggolas, but failing miserably. There was a cracking sound as his neck hit a sharp rock. The sound of jet engines filled the air. Peppercorn looked up to the sky, "Is that the good jets, or the bad jets?"Eggolas started to snap his fingers in rhythm, "from your first cigarette to your last dying day," he mumbled. A white something fell from the plane. Another Hefty, to replace the latest late Hefty. "Hurry up, New Hefty!" Eggolas shouted back, "We're gaining on them!""I'm wasted." Hefty replied."What? On cross country? Are you dwarves naturally sprinters? Very dangerous over short distances?""Nope, just wasted."Peppercorn limped ahead. He stopped on a hill, overlooking a great city in the distance, "Rohan," he pronounced it smoothly, like a sexy cowboy. "Home of the Horse-lords. Eggolas, what do your elf eyes see?""What's it to you? Your eyesight is the same as mine! Maybe better with those outlandish glasses!"Peppercorn fingered his glasses. "Blast," he said to himself, "I thought no one would notice." "I don't care!" he said aloud, "What do you see?"Eggolas moaned, "The Uruk-Pies have turned North East. They're taking the Blobbits to Isengard."Hefty laughed, as if watching an annoying internet video. Eggolas shot him a look. Then an arrow. More planes. "North East? Blobbits? Uruk-Pies? To?" Peppercorn suddenly became serious, "Sweetin Saruman.""No," Eggolas corrected, "Isengard."

Sweetin Saruman looked like a creepy cat poised over his Cantalope. His claws were creepily long and his pupils were slit. Not really about the pupils… "The world is changed," he said as he focused his energy on the fruit below his hand which glowed with the eye of Moron."Yeah, yeah, yeah," Moron's voice sounded in his head, "In the water in the air in the air, blah blah blah.""Who now, Lord Moron, has the strength to stand up against the union of the couple a' towers, Porkshank and Blah-Blah-Dur!" he slapped his wrist to his chest. "If I may say, Lord Moron, that's a really dumb name for a tower.""SHUT UP!" Moron yelled.

Sweetin Saruman walked around with his hired friends, "Build a dam.""Hey!" one of the Porks said, "Language!""D-A-M! For the river! I hate water. This was a crappy place to build my tower: at the mouth of a river. I don't want any crappy life growing here. I wanna get those crappy hippies off my land!" "Why are you so mean?" the Pork asked Sweetin Saruman. "I'm not mean. I'm strict!" he said as he hit the Pork's hands with a ruler."Gosh!"

Sweetin Saruman stood in the middle of a bunch of men who looked like they had never bathed and shaved even less. "Those annoying northmen took your lands!" He was talking about the Ro-Hans, the swarn enemies of the Funlanders. "They drove your people into the hills to scratch the living off rocks!"The tribe leader, Wulf, stood up higher than all the rest, waving his heavy axe in the air, "VETRENARIANS!"The group fell silent. Slowly murmurs started again and then they erupted with roars of agreement. Sweetin Saruman pushed Wulf down cuz he's a jerk, "Take back the land and crap they stold from you! Burn every village!""Holy crap, man!" the Funlander Brigand said, "We were just going to ask politely for our land back, and invite them to Funland. Everyone loves Funland."Sweetin Saruman snapped his fingers and the ground underneath the brigand opened and swallowed him alive. "I said, _BURN_ every village!"The Funlanders shouted in agreement and fear."Ro-Han, my Lord, is ready to fall." Sweetin Saruman said to the crazy voices in his head.

A Ro-Han woman was packing her children onto a horse to bring them to safety, "Oh yah!" she grunted in her thick northman accent, "Up ya go then! Those Funlanders, there, are up ta no good, dontcha know!" "Oh boy, ma!" her son said as he looked down from the horse, holding his sister, "Dad said I'm not supposed to ride this big ol' 'orse!""Ah! Dontcha go worryin' your crazy liddle 'ead, then. You go off and haffa good time. I'll see ya lader, then, when you get ta Ed-oh-rass!""Yah!" the daughter said, "I'll see ya there, ma!" and the horse rode off.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Banished from Ro-Han and Organs are so tasty!

On the banks of the river Isen some Northmen were lookin' around at some dead bodies. "Oh yah, don'tcha know. This is down right annoyin'," one of the Northmen said. "Ho, there!" Shouted a beautiful man in a flawless English accent, no Northman in it at all. "Find the King's son!""Oh, boy, Ay-Oh-Mer," a Northman said, "Yer so purdy! I wish you were…" but he was cut off."That land a' tastebudless people will f'in' pay!" another Northman yelled as he kicked a dead guy in the head, abusing a corpse, a crime punishable by law.Eomer stood up from a crouch. Eomer was his name, which is how you really spell it, although the Northmen pronounce it Ay-Oh-Mer with their weird accent. He nudged a helm on the ground with his foot, "These Porks do not come from that land of tastebudless people." A fat white hand print was shining on the top of the helm."Oh, whadya know!" one of the Rohans said, "There's a fat liddle hand on that there hat!"Eomer drew his sword and swung around to look at the guy, "IT'S A HELM!"Another one of the Rohans yelled, "'ey! It's Thay-Oh-Dred!"Eomer sheathed his sword and ran over to where the Rohan was standing. The Rohan wore a large wedge of cheese on his head. "My… he's still alive!" Eomer said as he fireman carried Theodred (correct spelling) towards Edoras (also correct spelling), the capitol city of Rohan.

Eowyn ran into the dark secluded room that her bother had just brought their cousin into. "Oh gash!" she exclaimed in her thick Northman accent. She had always wondered why she had the accent and her brother did not. "Oh boy. Thay-oh-dredd. And you were my favrit' cuzin' too. Oh boy, this is no good. No good at all. Oh no."Eomer stood at the door, looking at his beautiful face in a mirror. "Excuse me, but he's still alive. Don't fret sister, he may still survive."

Eowyn knelt before her uncle, King Theoden. "Oh boy, uncle Thay-oh-den. Your liddle guy, Thay-oh-dredd is hurt ril' ril' bad. I think you should takes a look at 'im"But Theoden sat there, unmoving, and very old looking. He had been like this for a long time. Ever since that freaky thing, Gramma Wormtongue showed up. Maybe the two were linked somehow.Eomer stood tall behind his kneeling sister. "They were ambushed, my Lord, by Porks. They're now moving freely across our lands. He best do something, or the dark wizard Sweetin Saruman will take us by force.""LIAR!" a creepy voice said as Gramma Wormtongue morphed out of the shadows behind the throne of Theoden. "That good ol' chap, Sweetin Saruman has always been a good ol' chap. He's not dark nor evil nor trying to take the Doughnut to the dark Lord Moron. And I'm not his apprentice sent to throw you guys off the trail or anything like that. I'm just here cuz I wanna be. And I looooove your accents!""First of all," Eomer started and slapped him in the creepy. "Secondly, I don't even know you. You just kind of waltzed in here a month or so ago and claimed head over my uncle. So why should I trust anything you say? Thirdly, what kind of last name is Wormtongue? Yuck! And also, what kind of first name is Gramma? You're a guy!""You can shut up," Gramma retorted, "And you can go away. Cuz I got connections."Eomer shoved Gramma in the forehead, "Listen here, traitor! I know you're working for Sweetin Saruman. I read it on your card. It says Gramma Wormtongue, and where it says Employer it used to say Sweetin Saruman but you scratched it out and wrote King Theoden. I'm not as dumb as I look."Gramma's eyes drifted away cuz he's ADD."Hey!" Eomer said, snapping his fingers in Gramma's face. He then pointed two fingers at his eyes, "Focus, right here. K? Right here."Gramma smiled as Eomer felt strong arms pulling at him, away from Gramma. "You see!" Gramma said, laughing, "I got connections! You can leave! And you can't come back! Ha ha ha!""You're mean!" Eomer shouted as he was thrown out the front gate.

The Uruk-Pies stopped to set up camp for the night. "Oh goody!" Pimple said, "I always loved camp! Where's the girl's bunk so I can put frogs in their beds and such?" "Shut up," one of the Uruk-Pies said.Pimple rolled over to see Hairy laying close to him. "Hey! Merry!" he yelled, hoping to get his friend's attention. "What? I'm trying to sleep you fat jerk!""I'm sorry, but I just wanna talk.""It's always something with you. What do you wanna talk about?""I dunno. Are you having fun on this trip so far?" Pimple asked with a smile on his face.Hairy looked at him through the blood running from the wound on his temple. Pimple continued smiling until he heard a weird sound come from the forest next to the Uruk-Pie camp. It sounded like a bunch of people going, "Whooooaaaa…""What's making that noise?" Pimple asked Hairy."I don't know! I don't know everything, Pimple! Who do you think I am? Alex Trebek? Now that guy knows everything, not even kidding!""Well…" Pimple stammered. "Do you have any ideas?""Nope. I guess we'll have to find out for ourselves. Let's run in there if we ever get free." Hairy rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed by Pimple constant questions. One of the Uruk-Pies started to whine. "I'm hungry! I want to eat something more than my own dead skin. It looses it's taste after a while.""Yeah!" one of the Porks agreed, "Why can't we have some meats?""Meats?" Ugly asked."Sorry." The Pork apologized, "Why can't we have some meat.""That's better. Well, I don't see any meat around… does anyone?"The Uruk-Pies looked about and shook their heads. Ugly stood up tall, "THEN SHUT UP ABOUT IT AND EAT YOUR FRICKIN' DEAD SKIN!"The Pork poked at Hairy. "What about this guy? Can we eat him?"Ugly rolled his eyes, "No! We're not supposed to. Sweetin Saruman said we can't.""Who's Sweetin Saruman?" the Pork asked. "That's kind of a dumb name."Mauer swooped in and chazzed the Pork's head off, saying, "YOU'RE KIND OF A DUMB NAME!" There was silence as Mauer straightened up. Another one of the Porks kicked at the other Pork's lifeless and headless body. "Can we eat him?""If you really want to," Ugly said, "But he's gonna taste just like your dead skin!"The Uruk-Pies dug in. And it was gross.Hairy and Pimple looked at each other. "Let's get out of here." Hairy said."Yeah…" Pimple agreed.They both turned to run, but a Pork grabbed both of their shoulders. "Hey! Where are you going?" he asked nicely, "Wouldn't you like to eat with us? It's really not that bad, once you forget you're eating your own kind."Pimple smiled and looked at Hairy who was also smiling. "Well, sure!" Hairy said. "Since you asked so nicely we'll be happy to join you!"A spear ran through the Pork's back and he screamed and fell over, mostly dead."Whoa!" Pimple yelled.Hairy got so scared he fell over and severed his bonds on a random axe blade that was laying in the ground. Pimple, trying to be cool, did the same. Pimple rolled over and saw a fleet of horses charging and killing all the Uruk-Pies, who actually weren't that mean. "Why are they doing this?" he thought. "They don't even know those guys!"Pimple looked up just in time to see a horse rearing up, its hooves about to come crashing down on his head.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The Riders of Ro-Han

Eggolas looked up to the sky as the sun was rising. "A red sun rises," He said, shielding his eyes with his hand. "Blood has been spilt this night."

Hefty belched, "It always looks like that in the morning, idiot."

Eggolas shot him in the leg. And he died.

A jet was heard overhead. Eggolas and Peppercorn gazed upwards as a small something fell from the plane. They were waiting for the parachute to deploy. It didn't. The Hefty fell with a thud some fifty feet away. Peppercorn and Eggolas looked at each other with sick grins on their faces.

Another plane came across. This time the parachute deployed. Hefty came running to where the other two were standing. "Hey!" he said, as he cupped an ear to his hand. That's right. Ok… my delete key isn't working… "I hear horses!"

"No you don't." Eggolas said, annoyed and mocking.

"No, wait," Peppercorn said, "I hear it too…"

Peppercorn took off over a hill to see what he could see… see what he could see, to see what he could see… A horde of horsemen was making their way along the plains, holding a banner of Rohan at the front of the pack.

"Hey!" Peppercorn said semi-loud, "It's some more men! Maybe they'll understand me, more than this Elf and Dwarf. I sure hope so," he said, looking at Eggolas and Hefty, "Cuz' I really hate you two."

"You're mean." Hefty said.

Peppercorn scuttled down the hill and yelled at the riders. "RIDERS OF ROHAN!" he pronounced the name of the land smoothly, with no accent, "WHAT NEWS FROM THE MARK?"

The riders promptly turned as the leader led the way. They ran all the way around Peppercorn, Eggolas and Hefty. They closed in, lowering their spears as they approached. The leader rode in close as he spoke and the rest stopped moving in. "What business," the leader began, "does an Elf, a Man and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly!"

Hefty tapped his axe at his side. "Give me your name Horsemaster, and I shall give you mine."

The leader hopped from his horse with beautiful grace. "I'd cut off your head, dork, if it stood but a little higher from the ground."

Eggolas chimed in, "That can be arranged! Don't worry about it," he said as he pulled a jack out of his quiver. "We have plenty of these guys!"

Eggolas cranked the jack and boosted Hefty up to eye level with the leader. "No," the leader said, "I'm sure the readers are quite sick of that joke by now."

Eggolas looked down, sad, as he lowered Hefty down to the ground.

Peppercorn talked, "Yeah, anyway, I'm Peppercorn, son of Creamedcorn. This is Hefty, son of Lefty, and Eggolas of the Westside Realm."

"Yo," Eggolas interjected.

"We are friends of Rohan," Peppercorn said, again very smoothly, "and of Theoden, your King!"

The leader looked down sadly, and reached for his helm. "Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe…" he removed his helm to reveal the beautiful face of Eomer. "Not even his own kin."

Eggolas and Hefty looked at each other, curious.

Eomer smiled and chuckled at the ground, "Yeah, I know…" he put up jazz hands, "Ah, it's Eomer! He's so beautiful!" he said in a high voice. "Yeah, but, so, Sweetin Saruman put this creepy guy in Rohan and has corrupted the mind of our King, and we got kicked out cuz we didn't like that guy. I suppose we could've banded together and beat him up, but we didn't think of that until it was too late."

Peppercorn leaned back, a little uncomfortable.

Eomer looked into his eyes, "The Wide Wizard is cunning," the riders all groaned, as if to say 'here he goes again.' "He walks here and there they say."

"Who's they?" Hefty asked.

"As an old man," Eomer continued, "Hooded and cloaked."

Peppercorn suddenly got defensive, "We're not spies!"

"I… didn't say you were…" Eomer back away this time.

"We're just looking for a band of Uruk-Pies that Blobbitnapped a few of our friends. Have you seen any of Uruk-Pies?"

"Oh yah!" one of the riders said. Eggolas stumbled back, caught off guard by the strange accent, "Yah, we killed 'em all ril' ril' good, then. They're all dead, don'tcha know."

"Dead?" Hefty asked incredulously.

"That's what he said," Peppercorn said, with a backhand raised to Hefty.

"Yeah, look over there! They're on fire now!" Eomer pointed to smoke rising from the distance. "But, since we probably killed your friends we'll give you some horses." Eomer whistled. "Hass-oo-fat! A-Rod!"

Two horses lumbered to the front, both in terrible shape, looking as though they may die at any second. "You're just dumping your dead horses on us!" Peppercorn accused.

"Well, they can still walk. They'll just die soon." Eomer said, remounting. "We ride north!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Treebeard, Waterfall, Rainbow

Peppercorn, Eggolas and Hefty made their way to the pile of dead, burnt guys. Hefty poked around with his axe and pulled out a long strip of what looked like leather, "Look!" he exclaimed. "It's one of their huge belts!"

Eggolas put his head down and muttered something inappropriate.

Peppercorn kicked a helmet and yelled out in pain and anguish. "HOLY CRAP! THAT HURT! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO HAPPEN TO MY FOOT?!" He fell to his knees and noticed two small ruts. "Hey! A Blobbit lay here…" he felt inside the folded grass. "And the other. They were probably having a dumb conversation."

Peppercorn stood up and tried to act out what he thought may have happened.

"They were invited to dinner."

Eggolas looked at Hefty strangely.

"They accepted, but their host was killed…"

"How are you telling all this from those two tracks?" Hefty queried.

"They freaked out, fell over, and their bonds were cut somehow. Hairy took down his pants and threw his belt away. Pimple wet himself here. And then they ran… into…"

The three raised their heads to see a scary looking forest. "Into Popcorn Forest? Popcorn? My, my, my… the authors must be really desperate for names…"

Hairy and Pimple ran further through Popcorn forest. They didn't want to be found when the cops showed up. They were technically witnesses to a massacre. They didn't want to deal with more legality than was necessary. "Alright," Hairy said.

Pimple smiled as he looked up at all the trees. "Hey! Let's climb a tree."

Hairy sighed; "Fine…"

They climbed a tree each. As Hairy climbed he felt a hand on his ankle. He gasped and spun his head to see what it was. It was that nice Pork. "Oh, I'm sorry if I scared you."

"Oh, it's you! I thought it was someone bad." Hairy said, relieved, "Hey, Pimple! It's that nice Pork we met!"

The Pork smiled shyly. "Yeah, I was wondering if you could help me get this spear out of my back. It hurts a little bit."

"Oh, sure! We'll help you!" Hairy said, "Won't we Pimple?"

"Oh yeah!" Pimple said.

Suddenly the tree Pimple was holding on to opened its eyes. "Hey! I'm not a tree!" the tree said and stepped on the Pork, killing it.

"Hey, tree!" Pimple yelled at the tree, "He was our friend!"

The tree shook his head slowly, "Dude, I'm not a tree! I'm a hippie!"

Hairy looked annoyed at Pimple, "Don't talk to it Pimple. He'll go off on a schpeal about how meat is murder."

Pimple looked sickened, "A hippie? A tree-hugger? A shepherd of the forest?"

Hairy wanged Pimple in the leg, "I SAID DON'T TALK TO IT!"

The hippie talked again as he took off his tree-coat that made him look like a tree (stupid hippie), "My name is Treebeard… waterfall… rainbow… What's your names?"

Hairy was bitter. "Hairy."

"Pimple."

"Not anymore, brothers!" Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow looked at Pimple, "You are now Wolf-Hawk-Lovechild."

Pimple made a face.

"And you," he pointed to Hairy, "are Babbling-Brook."

"That's gay!" Hairy exclaimed.

"And whose side are you on?" Wolf-Hawk-Lovechild asked Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow.

Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow looked lost in his own body as he gazed at Wolf-Hawk-Lovechild. "What?"

"Are you good or are you bad?" Babbling-Brook asked.

"No. No. That's ok." Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow said.

Babbling-Brook and Wolf-Hawk-Lovechild looked at each other strangely.

Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow opened his mouth again, "They come with fire. They come with axes! Gnawing… biting… hacking, breaking, burning! Destroyers and jezappers, curse them!"

"What the heck are you talking about?" Babbling-Brook yelled at Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow.

"What's a jezapper?" Pimple asked.

"Wow… too many questions little dudes…" Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow said, slowly. "There's only one who can answer all these questions, brethren…"

The three stood in silence for a bit.

"Who is that?" Babbling-Brook asked Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow.

Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow looked at Babbling-Brook, "Who?"

"Who can answer all these questions?"

"Oh, right… The Wide Wizard." Treebeard-Waterfall-Rainbow picked up Wolf-Hawk-Lovechild and Babbling Brook with crazy hippielike strength.

"Shoot… the Wide Wizard…" Pimple mumbled worriedly.

"Sweetin Saruman." Hairy muttered.

The two were roughly set down at the foot of an old man, hooded and cloaked in white. They gazed up at his face.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"We should've packed boots…"

Lardo, Spam and Slalom loped through low hanging vines of a small forest and into the openness of a plainsish area. Spam's foot sunk into the soupy mess of the ground. "Oh suck! He's led us into a swamp!"

"Eeeee!!!" Slalom yelled. "I let you catch up to me!" he said, ickily.

Lardo held his nose, "Gosh! Why did you lead us here? It's nasty!"

"It's a shortcut! Don't worry… Porks don't use this way cuz it's too gross."

"And you thought it would be nice to let us use it." Spam questioned.

"I sense some insincerity." Slalom walked ahead.

The Blobbits had no choice but to follow him if they wanted to get through safely. Or whatever.

Spam started to watch his step after he slipped into the water more times than he liked. His eyes met up with a pair of closed eyes in the water. "WHOA! HOLY CRAP! I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"

Lardo shook his head. "What are you talking a- HOLY CRAP! THERE'S DEAD GUYS IN THE WATER! WHAT THE HECK?!"

And sure enough there was scads of dead people floating face up in the water.

"Oh yeah," Slalom said, "I forgot. These are the guys who died in the fight with Moron at the beginning of whenever."

"Why haven't they rotted away?" Spam asked.

Slalom shrugged. "Just, don't look into their eyes."

One direction. One rule. But could Lardo follow that rule? OH NO! Before you know it Lardo had strayed away from the other two and was looking at this one dead guy. His eyes panned from his chest up his neck and to his face. He focused on the dead dude's pale, closed eyelids.

The water churned slightly as the corpse's eyes flashed open.

Lardo fell face first into the water.

"LARDO!" Spam yelled, "THAT'S GROSS!"

Lardo splashed about.

Slalom and Spam stopped and gazed at the odd sight.

Lardo was laying atop the dead guy, flopping around like a fish on land. He wasn't even submerged. And you should've seen the look on the dead guy's face! He was all – wait a minute… why did I even say that?

Slalom ran and pulled Lardo off the dead guy and out of the water. "HEY! I said don't look in their eyes!"

Lardo caught his breath, "What? Slalom? Sorry!"

The Blobbits and Slalom had made their camp for the night under the starry sky. Lardo lay with his back towards everyone, being all emo like he is… He had taken the doughnut out of his pants and was stroking it. "Yes, you're a good evil doughnut, aren't you? Yes you are, yes you are!"

"Sooooooo sweet." Slalom's voice could be heard softly.

Lardo grabbed the doughnut close to himself.

"Sooooooo sprinkle-y… Our… num nums."

Lardo flipped over and stared at Slalom. "What did you say?"

"Master should be resting. Master is so emo. _Slalom! __Slalom!_"

"Who the crap are you?"

"What do you mean? I'm _Slalom! __Slalom!"_

"Spandalf told me you were something like a Blobbit."

"Well that's stretching it."

"He said your life was a sad story."

"HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!"

Lardo fell silent.

Slalom fell silent.

Lardo gazed into Slalom's eyes, "Fredric."

Slalom gave Lardo a weirded out look. "What did you call me?"

"Fredric… that was your name once, long ago, wasn't it?"

"Um… sure…" Slalom skittered back a couple steps.

A high pitched squeal boomed from the sky.

Spam stirred and woke up, "AH! Black Riders!"

Slalom freaked out and started running in circles. "HIDE, HIDE!"

Lardo fell over.

No one cared.

Lardo crawled to where the other two were hiding. "Just leave me out there?"

A big black creature flew overhead with a Dougul sitting on top it. "Whoa!" Slalom yelled, "Wraiths on wings!"

"Whatever." Spam said.

"Didn't we kill them?" Lardo asked.

Slalom laughed heartily but didn't answer.

After a while of circling the black creature flew off. Slalom looked back to see Lardo's face in a weird convulsion and Spam holding Lardo's hands across his chest. "What's all this?"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The Wide Rider

Eggolas, Hefty and Peppercorn walked through the Popcorn Forest. Hefty spotted some liquid on a leaf. He wiped some off with his fingers and licked it to try and tell what it was. He fell over dead. His replacement quickly dropped from on high and ran to where the body lay. "Orc blood," he said, pointing at the still twitching body.

"I don't like this place," Peppercorn complained.

"This forest is old," Eggolas mused. "Very hold. Full of… trees."

"That was dumb," Hefty spoke his mind. He leaned over to Peppercorn, "Does he do crap like that all the time? Say stupid stuff and act like he's saying something smart?"

Peppercorn looked at Hefty. "You don't smell good."

A weird rumbling sound came from everywhere. Gimli pulled out his axe and started swinging everywhere.

"Whoa there, tiger!" Peppercorn said, dodging one of the blows.

"The trees are speaking to each other." Eggolas perked his ears, "They each have voices. They can talk as themselves or as one. Just as we have individual voices, but we all come together in the end to defeat Moron. One of us couldn't do it alone. But together we will overcome and vanquish evil!" Eggolas was striking a pose.

A hippy wandered through the trees right in front of the three travelers, making a weird rumbling sound. "Hey, mans. What's goin' on buuuuuuddy?"

Peppercorn looked at the hippy, "You're not my buddy."

The hippy kept walking.

Eggolas looked down at his feet. "Or it could just be that this forest is inhabited by hippies… WHOA! Wait! What was that sound?"

Peppercorn rolled his eyes, "We get it! You're an Elf! You can make anything sound ten times better because your words don't get caught in your mouth and you have blond hair! Well then, mister, what do you hear?"

Eggolas fought back tears. "It's the Wide Wizard…"

Hefty smiled. Peppercorn turned around a shook his head at Hefty. "No," he said, "that's a bad thing. He's the bad guy."

Hefty glowered. Peppercorn nodded, grabbing the end of the sausage he had tied to his belt. "We should probably beat him to death. That'll be the best way. Eggolas, you hold him down!"

The three spun around and charged at a big glowing figure none of them had seen before and they all felt quite foolish for this. They tried to attack the form that looked and sounded a lot like Sweetin Saruman, but they were either slapped upside the head, given major wedgies or poked in the eye. They all stumbled back. The form in the light spoke. "You are tracking the hoofprints of two fat Blobbits." The voice sounded just like Sweetin Saruman, but a bit fatter.

"What'd you do with 'em suckuh?" Peppercorn shouted, pulling his gun out. The gun shone red and burnt Peppercorn's hand. He promptly dropped the firearm.

"They passed this way, the day before yesterday. That's-… wait… today's… Thursday?"

"Wednesday," Eggolas corrected.

"Oops. J/K guys, j/k. Yesterday. They passed this way yesterday. And they met someone they didn't expect. Does that comfort you?"

"Who'd they meet?" Hefty asked loudly. Hefty rose slightly in the air and was dropped by the wizard on his rear.

"Who are you?" Peppercorn asked, tending to his burnt hand. "Show yourself!"

The light around the figure dissipated and there stood Spandalf, cloaked in white.

"HOLY CRAP!" Eggolas yelled.

"Told you he'd be back in the next book," Peppercorn told the elf off.

"Who's that guy?" Hefty asked.

"He was with us in the last book," Peppercorn explained, "but he fell off a bridge."

"Was it fun?" Hefty asked.

"I fell very long and very far. Through fire and water. So it wasn't so bad. I was fighting an Eggroll until both of us died. I made lightning come from the sky with my sword. It was pretty tight, not gonna lie. And then I died. But I guess I wasn't supposed to so I came back. And now we're where we are now."

"Hey! I know you now!" Hefty yelled, as if recalling a lost memory. "You're that Spandalf guy!"

Spandalf looked at Hefty strangely, "Spandalf? Oh yeah. That's what they used to call me. Spandalf the Grey or something like that." Peppercorn and Spandalf locked eyes. "That was my _name_." He emphasized the word name.

Peppercorn broke out in hysterical laughter, "Holy crap! I remember that now too! Oh man. Who were we with? Was that Guirien? It was Guirien wasn't it? Ha! That was awesome, man."

Hefty was thoroughly confused as I'm sure you are as well. "What are you talking about?" he asked curiously.

Spandalf laughed, "Sorry, but what happens on the wizard trolley stays on the wizard trolley."

Peppercorn laughed again.

Spandalf wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, "I am Spandalf, the Wide. And I come to you now at the turn of the tide. We must go to Edoras in haste. Run our horses so fast their hooves become paste. I made a nice friend on the other side of death. He's a horse among horses and his mom's name was Beth. He can carry what would break other horses backs. He's the greatest of all horses and his name is: Kevin."

Peppercorn fell over. "Kevin? The horse's name is Kevin? I thought it would rhyme with backs."

Spandalf looked at Peppercorn confused, "Why would it rhyme with backs?"

Eggolas finally stood up from his prostration, "Because everything else in that sentence rhymed."

Spandalf stopped. "It did?" He mumbled, "mmmmm Wide, mmmmmmm Tide, mmmmm haste, mmmmmmm paste. Mmmmmm death. Mmmmmm Beth. Mmmmm, backs… Kevin. I didn't even realize that! That's weird. Didn't even mean to try that. But it's all true. His mom's name is Beth. But she's dead now. But life goes on. Except for her. No matter." Spandalf began to walk and the three followed him.

Soon they were out of the forest.

Spandalf puckered his lips as if to whistle melodically. "HEY KEVIN!" he yelled, breaking the silence of the moment.

Hooves could be heard beating on the ground. Eggolas looked out over the hills. There, a few hills away, rose a white stag with huge antlers. Each rack at least eight, maybe ten feet long. Eggolas just stared at the deer as it ran forward, top heavy, but managing. "That thing's like a 90 point buck!"

"Wrong," Spandalf said, putting a finger up in the air, "Kevin _is_ a 90 point buck."

Kevin walked up to the four people standing looking at him. He nickered softly as Spandalf massaged his neck.

Hefty cocked his head at the animal. "You said he was a horse."


End file.
